To My Peaceful Sleeping Baby: Motherhood in a Pandemic

To my peaceful sleeping baby,

As I lie awake at night, holding you in my arms, I reflect on this world we now live in. 

To think, just 3 months ago, as we brought you into this world, our biggest concern was protecting you from the cold weather, the common cold and the flu. We cautioned having too many visitors and lived in our own newborn bubble. Surrounded by loving family members and helpful friends. 

We were just beginning to venture out into the world. Taking you to your first restaurant, going to a mommy and me class and beginning to make some new mom and baby friends. It was an adjustment figuring out how to take you out and about, while making sure I had all of your essentials handy and insuring I kept you warm. My next big tackle was going to be learning how to take you to the grocery store by myself. 

Right as we began to get into a routine, our world suddenly changed. It was as if it were a slow yet rapid shift all in one. We heard news of this virus around the time you were born, but being in our newborn bubble, we hadn’t given much thought to it. Not to mention, our country had not even begun to treat it with the seriousness and severity it required. I remember taking you out to lunch with a friend and visiting a store on March 11th. Not realizing that would be the last store and restaurant we would visit for a very long time. Slowly, we began hearing more news of this virus, the deadly outcomes it had brought onto other countries and the rapid growth it carried. Fear crept in and anxiety began. 

Before we knew it, we were living in a different world. Having to social distance ourselves, cancelling parties and gatherings, we were unsure of what to think. Here I am, a new mother with a 3 month old baby. It felt as if our world had all of a sudden stopped. No longer did I allow myself to experience the “normal” new parent fears of worrying about your sleeping patterns, stuffy nose and developmental milestones. We were in a pandemic! My concerns felt miniscule compared to this shared world trauma. This pandemic wiped away my chance of experiencing the new mommy period. For that, I have grieved. 

 I began sleeping less and less, anxiously scrolling through news reports and finding myself trembling over the fear of the scary unknown. Not sure what this beast actually was but knowing it was deadly. I had a precious life that I needed to protect. Pretty quickly, however, I began to notice you had picked up on my internal fears and anxiety. I noticed changes in your behaviors. I knew at that moment, that I had to re-shift my focus and remember to appreciate what was right in front of me.

 You have allowed me to recognize how social distancing and quarantine allowed our family to connect on such a deeper level then I had ever imagined. Daddy and I feel so lucky to be able to work from home and carve out quality time with you. Watching you grow and learn has been a blessing. What you have helped me realize is that regardless of what may be happening in our world right now, life still continues. As I watch you build your milestones and continue to experience all the normal benchmarks of life, I am reminded of the beauty life can offer. I am so grateful for your blissful unawareness. Not only for your sake, but for ours. You have proved to be a peaceful distraction for all of our family and friends, who love to virtually watch you grow. 

While I feel like I have lost out of the beautiful community experiences of a first time mom due to this pandemic, I have found gratitude for this time. I have been allowed extra time to cuddle you, bond with you and watch you learn about your world. You make our world more beautiful and special each and every day. 

 I wonder how this will impact you in your later years. I wonder what you will take from this period of isolation as you grow and develop. Your big smiles and joyous giggles reassure me you will be just fine. Oh sweet baby of mine. 

*Written April 8th, 2020 

3 Ways to Calm Anxiety

Please enjoy this blog post I wrote for Great Lakes Psychology Group’s site!

5 Intentions To Set For The New Year

Every year this time, all we seem to hear about are New Year’s Resolutions … 

“Loose 10 Pounds in 10 Days”, “Cut Out All Carbs”. “Work out 7 Days a Week”. “Make this Much Money by the First Quarter”

What do all of these resolutions have in common? They are all quantitively measured. When we set goals that are based off of achieving numbers our focus becomes more on extrinsicvalue. This year, I encourage you to look inward and strive for goals that are intrinsicallymotivated.

Here are some suggestions (Hint, these goals are great ways to help reduce anxiety and depression) …. 

1. Use Kind Self-Talk

First off, what is “self-talk”?... You know, it’s that inner voice we all have in our heads, that’s typically not so nice. It’s the little judgments and mean thoughts we say to ourselves This year, try changing those negative comments into compassionate thoughts... 

Instead of saying “Gosh, I’m so fat and ugly, I’m never going to meet a guy” 

Try saying “Wow, that was a mean thought. I am beautiful and the right guy will come along for me when the time is right”. 

2. Practice Patience

Not just with yourself, but with others too. Try to be mindful in taking deep breaths so that you don’t jump to a reaction. Breath work is one of the best ways to reduce anxiety because it slows you down and helps you reach the rational mind. 

3. Get Involved in Your Community

The power of community is so strong. When we actively reach out to others, we feel less lonely and more connected. Try volunteering at a local non-profit, join a meet-up group or get involved in a boutique gym. Even just saying “hello” to your neighbor can make a world of difference! 

4. Trust the Journey

Anxiety loves to make us think 10 steps into the future. One minute we are thinking of plans to go out this weekend and then the next minute our thoughts run towards “What am I going to wear”, “I have to make sure not to eat too much or else I’ll look fat”, “What if she judges my outfit?- I’ll never be able to handle that”, “She’ll think I’m stupid”, “Ugh, there’s no point in going out”, “I have no friends”, “What’s wrong with me?” All while you’re still sitting in your office on a Monday…. 

Try to take a step back and remember what you are currently in control of. The more we doubt ourselves, the more opportunity for anxiety and depression to seep in. When you find yourself second guessing your choices, try to remember- you got this. 

5. Get a Therapist

Therapy is the best form of self-care. It is a safe space to simply take a look into how you process things and examine your worldview. A therapist can help you learn tools to better handle situations and develop healthier coping skills. Therapy isn’t just for people who can’t get out of bed or for people who hear voices. There is no level of severity for you to “qualify” as a therapy client. (That’s all just part of the stigma!)

I am wishing you all a healthy and intentional new year! 

What are your intentions for this new year? Let me know by leaving a comment below.

Also, feel free to send me an email at lisagoldlmsw@gmail.com if you’re interested in starting therapy! 

I said "Yes", Now What?!

Managing the Anxiety that comes with Social Expectations of Wedding Planning.

It was a random Tuesday evening, after a long and stressful day at work. As I put the key to my front door, I took a deep breath to relieve the stress of the day and refocus before walking into my shared apartment with my boyfriend of 7 years. To my surprise, I opened the door to the most romantic display of red rose petals and candles out-lining a walk-way from our front door to our living room. As I followed the beautiful path, I found my excited and nervous boyfriend waiting for me with more candles, rose petals and something very special in his hand.

I was so ecstatic, I could barely contain my excitement!  My boyfriend got down on one knee and began to recite the most sweet and sincere proposal to me. Honestly, as soon as he opened his mouth, a burst of emotion overtook me, and I can barely remember what he even said! (He would say the same in his recount of this experience).

We were both in such bliss and joy. Just the two of us, together, in the very beginning of a new chapter in our lives. We wanted to cherish that moment forever, but we also couldn’t wait to tell our closest friends and family the good news! After giving ourselves what felt like forever (an hour), we called our family and friends and soon after posted our news on social media.

Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! The flood gates burst open! An abundance of excitement, words of encouragement and love came rushing our way. However, with the love and support came the expectations and opinions from every which way…. “When are you getting married?”, “What venue are you picking?”, “Who is your photographer going to be?”, “What gym are you going to join?”, “What will your dress look like?”, “How many people are you going to invite?” … and on, and on, and on!

Saying I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement! How was I supposed to know the answers to all of those questions in the first 72 hours of our engagement? At the time, I felt pressured to have these answers and my head started to burst!

Yet worse, the judgments started just as quickly as the opinions. “You can’t really have a fall wedding, can you?”, “So-and-So had her wedding at this venue and it was so beautiful”. Not to mention all of the unspoken judgments of my ring, something I absolutely love and adore. With their small, but very impactful, slight of the eye, they had me wondering and worrying if they felt it was too big or too small, the right cut or shape.

This was just all too much!

At that moment, I realized I needed to reach out for help. I found a therapist and started meeting with her on a weekly basis. My goal was to learn how to sort through all of this chaos and anxiety and really focus on what is important- my relationship with the most incredible man in my life! I wanted to learn how to separate the societal expectations and focus on my values.  

Sure, I wanted a beautiful wedding with a stunning dress and gorgeous flowers! But I also wanted the feeling of love to be surrounding us all throughout the night! I wanted to be present and in the moment for my wedding day because I knew it would all be over in the blink of an eye. I did not want to walk away with any regrets.

Once I started to shift my focus away from the materialistic nonsense, I began to focus on my relationship again. My fiancé and I met with our wedding officiant several times in preparation for the wedding ceremony and our marriage. It was a time for the two of us to reflect on our experiences together, our strengths and “areas needing improvement”.  We discussed our expectations for our future. Out of all the wedding planning, these meetings were the most meaningful and special to us both.

I continued to work with my therapist on the anticipation of all the changes that come with marriage. This included changing my name. I took a lot of time deciding if this was the right decision for me, and even after coming to this decision, I still had a difficult time coping with the impact that would bring to myself and my identity. I was proud to carry my family name and I struggled with this feeling that I would no longer be a part of my family if my name had changed. This took a lot of time to process through, with long conversations with my family and fiancé. Ultimately, I decided to take my husband’s last name. I don’t know if I would have made that decision if I hadn’t taken the time to really get to know who I am. Therapy helped me build a better understanding and awareness of my values, my strength, and my outlook on life.    

As the months of planning and prepping (both of the emotional stuff as well as the practical/materialistic details) went on, I felt as if I was on an un-touchable cloud of happiness. Nothing could bring me down!

Just three months before our wedding, a very unexpected and devastating event occurred. My grandfather, whom I loved and adored, suddenly passed away. My grandpa was such an influential man in my life. He and I had a special bond and he was so excited to attend our wedding. All of a sudden, my world had flipped upside down! How was I going to make it through this? How could we possibly go on and have a wedding when one of the most important people in my life couldn’t be there?

The experience of loosing my grandfather was life changing- it was probably the most impactful experience of my life. My grandpa taught me many life lessons, which I used, along with an immense amount of support from our loved ones to build the strength to move forward. I learned that when we are at the highest points in our life, we must always remember the lowest points in our lives- and when we are experiencing the most devastating moments of our lives, we must have courage and hope to strive towards our greatest moments.

Just a few months later, the day had finally come! After 12 months of prepping flower arrangements, indulging in food tastings and agonizing over the infinite choices of dresses, our wedding day was here!

Okay… really it was time to put all I had learned in the past year of therapy to work.

My goal for the day was to allow whatever happen, happen. My morning started off with a nice cup of coffee with my family. We laughed and enjoyed a special moment together. Throughout the morning, I continued to take deep breaths (while trying to dodge all the hairspray in the room) and I even took some time to journal outside, by myself, for a few moments. When I started to feel the anxious emotions bottle up inside, I allowed myself to feel it and then I reminded myself of all the work I had put in therapy and to trust myself. I continued to remind myself that this is just one night, and our marriage was coming next!

I allowed myself to feel my emotions. We all really felt the loss of my grandpa during the day. So when I was feeling sad, I allowed my tears to run down my face (water-proof mascara really does work wonders!) I also cried a lot of happy tears, felt a ton of butterflies in my stomach, and giggled throughout the day! I took moments throughout the entire evening to look around the beautiful room, to take a deep breath before walking down the aisle and to have genuine conversations with our guests. I held my husband’s hand really tight throughout the day and hugged my family extra snug. I took the time to do all of this as a way to make imprints of the day in my mind.   

Sure, there were many things that went wrong during the day… (my wedding dress ripped, some of the décor wasn’t right, some guests didn’t show up). Normally, even just one of these occurrences would have taken all of my happiness and ruined my evening, but I genuinely didn’t care! I didn’t even let the judgments from others get to me because I stayed focused on the bigger picture- being surrounded my all of our loving friends and family and finally getting to marry the love of my life!

Looking back at our wedding, I can honestly say I have no regrets! That is because I put in the work to explore my values and that allowed me to stay true to myself.